At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have aggressive nipples.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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