90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
