put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
