Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
