I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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