I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
