I will die if light touches me.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
