dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
