my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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