It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
be right there i have to get my cape
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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