He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
