Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
