it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
