I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just pee around me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
