Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
