also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
