I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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