i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
