I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
