The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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