dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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