I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
