did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
