Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
