Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
