then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
