I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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