Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
