what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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