Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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