you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
