Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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