Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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