watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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