you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
