hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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