I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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