maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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