we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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