I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
