So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
