Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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