Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
