They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
