Cold hands, warm shart.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize