I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
