I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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