We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
