Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
