If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
