1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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