Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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