I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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