How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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