Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
