3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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