new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
