there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
