i would punch a child for taco bell
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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